scrub a dub dub...but not exactly

In the past two or so years, a phenomenon known as the "tide pen" has swept the country. And really, the craze is far beyond what one would expect for a typical laundry based product...but then again, how could Americans not get swept up in the idea of a handy little miracle worker that promised a portable solution to all your daily food/clothing mishaps...I mean, the commericals promise nothing less than magic. You've seen them, "oh no..i spilt an entire cup of cranberry juice on my wedding dress!!" (why are you drinking cranberry juice in your wedding dress???) whip out the tide pen and bam!! what cranberry juice? do you take this man? yay everyone lives happily ever after in wedded bliss.

As one would expect, i was clearly skeptical of the corporate claims but after every single person i have ever met in my entire life told me how wonderful their tide pen was, i was somewhat curious. Well, less curious and more "i don't care because i don't have food on me at the moment but if i had food all over me, i wouldn't totally dismiss you and your tide pen"...and I'll admit, after about two years of hearing of the tide-pen glory, I had never actually had the occasion to try one out. Sidenote - that is not to say that in two years i did not spill stuff on myself because clearly that happens during the majority of my bouts with food consumption. I just didn't have a tide pen handy when it happened...and despite the claims of loyalty and adoration, no one i was with while spilling on myself ever seemed to have one either. I don't know what kind of devotee that makes them but my guess would be less than awesome. Anyway, the point is I never actually used a tide-pen.

Then that fateful day arrived in the form of coffee on the front of my white button-down at a chemistry conference (I'm awesome, i know) and someone offered me their tide pen in the bathroom while i stared helplessly at the 12-14 oz of coffee i seemed to have unknowingly dribbled all over myself...grateful, i thanked them for their contribution to the resolution of my crisis and set about removing the coffee. i rubbed, i pushed, i dabbed. nothing. thinking perhaps i missing the special tide pen miracle step, i stopped...and read the directions. no, i appear to be doing it correctly. hmm...perhaps this stain is just too much of a challenge for a tide pen alone. I mean, i do appear to have been steadily soaking myself in coffee for a series of hours. Somewhat disheartened and thankful for the scarf i had brought with me that day, i tucked my new tide pen away, confident that it would save me in the next, not quite so serious spillage situation.

The next tide pen challenge came one deary November day when i was enjoying a delicious bread bowl containing turkey chili from bread & co (turkey chili...mmm....) and managed to get some of the aforementioned turkey-based chili on my hoodie. I immediately thought of my tide-pen and considered this the perfect opportunity for it to truly shine. I mean, an entire cup of coffee may have been asking a bit much, but a small dab of turkey chili? that's what tide pen lives for!!! it will not let me down...i rubbed, i pushed, i dabbed. nothing. once again, thinking perhaps i missing the special tide pen miracle step, i stopped...and read the directions. no, i appear to be doing it correctly. And yet, the tide pen proved no match for the turkey chili. Confused and saddened, both by the state of my hoodie and the disappointing performance of the tide pen, i put it back in my purse and accepted the fate of my beloved high school sweatshirt. Determined to give it one more try (after all, every single person i have ever met in my entire life couldn't be wrong, right?), the tide pen lived quietly in my purse awaiting yet another chance for it to prove how truly amazing it is.

And today I threw the damn tide-pen in the trash. After a short battle with a rather minuscule amount of "Chicken in Peanut Sauce" lean cuisine, and being heartbroken for a third time, I have decided that there is absolutely no merit in the tide pen. You may all argue with me on this point but I feel as though I have given it more than enough opportunities to dazzle and have been disappointed every single time...without fail. As far as I can tell, the sole function of the tide pen is to make a wet-ish spot near where the stain presently lies and make you feel better about yourself as you destroy the integrity of your particular garment attempting to violently convince the stain that it no longer wishes to reside in the interwoven fibers of this particular fabric...but you wont feel better, because the stain will not be convinced. It will just look at you and laugh. SO...save yourself the two dollars and the lifetime of sanity and just stick to the old "dab with water" tactic...it is equally effective and there are no soul-destroying expectations of grandeur...