the great chair mystery...

SIDENOTE -timbo, you have already heard me ponder this particular conundrum today as you got it in real time via IM so this entry might be redundant to you...sorry kiddo!!

In lab, I have a desk. It is a lovely desk covered with pictures of my friends and my dogs and other random mementos of my nonscience life as well as hundreds if not thousands of research papers and chemistry text books...in approximately a 50/50 distribution, friends to science. This of course makes it a rare exception to most of the desks in the lab which I would say fall more on the 10/90 distribution range, with science dominating the landscape. But I digress...this is not about my desk. At my desk, sits a chair. My chair. There are a number of features which distinguish my chair from all the other red rolly office chairs. Well, really there are more like two. Two distinct features which distinguishes my chair from all the other red rolly office chairs. Number 1 - my black Vandy fleece which has made its home on my chair for the ever changing temperature drifts in the lab. 105 degrees outside in the middle of the Tennessee summer does not guard against a middle of the day in-lab cold front. However, the thought of carting around a lightweight fleece everyday, just in case, seemed ridiculous and thus the lab jacket was born. It is the most immediate way I can identify my chair, however, as it is at times a) in use or b) accidentally placed on another chair by an unaware janitor who knocked it off while sweeping the floor, i have a second chair identifying fail safe...which brings me to chair identifying factor number 2 - the "honk if you passed p.chem" bumper sticker that lives on the back of it. I have no idea who affixed this sticker to my chair oh so many years ago but it has resided there for as long as I can remember. And since I did pass p.chem, I have waged no serious objection to it. Sadly, since I am not in a high traffic area, there is typically very little honking despite being surrounded by individuals who also passed p.chem. Even in the minimal honking environment however, the bumper sticker has proven useful as the ultimate identifier in a number of incidents where in the lab jacket has been either removed from the chair altogether or otherwise misplaced on a different chair. My main attachment to my particular chair, as anyone with an adjustable office chair can verify, is that they are in fact adjustable....and you get used to your chair like it is and frankly, Jonas' chair feels weird and is not the right height and is just bad. bad news bears indeed.

All of that is to say, this morning i was presented with quite the mystery...the previously mentioned great chair mystery...today after i endured the walk in yet another dreary winter rainy/cold/disgusting/I'm moving to California day, i came in to the lab to find that my chair is really high. like, really...really high...i definitely did not leave it this way. At first i clearly thought "this is not my chair" but i validated its ownership with the aforementioned jacket/bumper sticker test and it is in fact my chair. Now my original thought was "what the...??who changed my chair..? i hope they drown in one of the many puddles surrounding our building..I don't even know how to readjust this thing...i mean, who would sit down in someone's chair and just make it obscenely high for no reason?? this is unacceptable lab etiquette..." and it is. just appalling really. But I quickly moved from this line of questioning to the more pressing question...what kind of person would want their chair at this setting???

As I sat in my newly adjusted chair, I made a number of observations....first, I am really really high with respect to my desk. The level surface area of my desk is nearly parallel with my waist and I have to reach down to type on my computer, which of course sits on my desk. second, my feet are barely touching the floor. Don't get me wrong, I mean they are touching the floor but I would say another two inches and I could swing them like a little kid on a park bench. Finally, because of the proximity to the desk, I have to in fact roll out from under my desk to cross my legs. roll out, cross, roll back....needless to say, i have minimized the crossing and re-crossing this morning. With all of these observations, I have reached quite a loss as to what kind of individual would want this particular chair setting. It is clearly not a normal sized person, which I am, all of this is awkward for me and therefore you would expect it to be for anyone in the mid five foot range. My first thought was it must have been a dwarf, because of the height of the resident of the chair relative to the desk. A freakishly short, large headed person (I will not lie to you, i do not like dwarfs because of their very large heads and short sausage fingers, both of which freak me out) would probably appreciate the increased assistance in reaching the desk provided by the unusual height of this particular chair setting. But then I recalled my second observation, the legs barely touching the ground situation, and felt that a dwarf would have a difficult time scaling the chair to sit in it. I mean, they are not called little people for nothing...and their tiny legs would surely not be of much use in the challenge faced by this chair. It seems unlikely it would a dwarf then, at least not one that is not otherwise equipped with a grappling hook and some high quality ropes. This led me then to assume it was some sort of giant-sized person....perhaps a Shaquelle O'Neil sized individual. I mean, they would clearly have no issues reaching the sitting platform of this chair and the glorious legroom they then experienced would be indulgent to say the least. This seems like the obvious answer...unless!! dun dun dunnnnn!!! unless! you remember my previous observations about both the height compared to the tabletop region of the desk and the leg crossing situation. Now I am willing to dismiss the leg crossing problem as maybe i just have fat legs, though it would follow that someone built like Mr. O'Neil would have larger legs than a 5'2" female...but nonetheless, we will set that aside for a moment. Lets focus on the sitter to desk ratio aspect for a moment. While I realize a giant would have long arms and therefore probably reach down to the desk easily, he (or she I suppose, but we will stick to he for consistency sake here) would be towering above the desk. Towering. Even if reach was not a concern, the mere strain on his eyesight to identify and utilize the objects below him which now appear tiny due to their great distance would suggest that this would not be an optimal chair setting for such a large man (or woman, but again, consistency). Who would want their chair like this..???? Clearly anyone falling into the category of "normal sized", "dwarf" or "giant" has been ruled out on the basis of logic alone...All I can conclude then is it must be a very long legged, unusually short torso-ed individual....who for some unknown reason felt they should adjust my chair to most conveniently suit their needs. I hate this long legged, unusually short torso-ed person for touching my chair...and hope they drown in a puddle very soon. I had no serious qualms with a mythical super long-legged, short torso-ed person until they had the gaul to recalibrate my chair, now however, the offense has been done and the puddle drowning hopefulness can not be dismissed....at least not without some sort of peace-making gesture, though I cant imagine what. Now...how do i lower my damn chair???


unrelated - in honor of his unexplained illness, I have promised my dear friend Steve a reference to the following conversation in my latest entry...
me: I am writing in my blog.
steve: you can write about how i spent the night puking on the bathroom floor.
me: ew, why did you do that?
steve: no clue, don't try it though.
me: I am writing about my chair.
The end. Ta-daaaaa!!!

8 days til Christmas!! yay Christmas!!
(no picture today, sadface)